Harry Potter and the Bible Hugger Doll
by iamchole5
Summary: Random thing I wrote for English when we were studying Humor, rather... interesting. Please R&R!


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter... isn't that sad?

Author's Note: This story contains things that may be offensive because, well, it's just more fun that way.

**Harry Potter and the Bible Hugger Doll**

It was a normal day at Hogwarts. Or as normal as it could get with several

thousand children walking around carrying pieces of wood and talking to themselves,

causing random things to happen across the room. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were

trying to catch bits of the carpet on fire with a magnifying glass, which wasn't a very

effective method as it was in the middle of the night and pitch black outside. Dumbeldore

suddenly appeared out of a very obvious trap door in the floor... I mean, out of nowhere.

"Students and other weird peoples, I would like to announce our spontaneous

field trip to a MUGGLE SHOPPING MALL!" he jumped in the air clapping as he scream.

"But Professor, it's the middle of the night and everyone is..." Hermione objected.

"No one cares, FIELD TRIP!" Dumbeldore magically poofed everyone, in their

pajamas or other form of sleep ware to the muggle shopping mall in Japan.

"Uh... sir, why did we have to go to Japan, there's a shopping mall right down the

street from Hogwarts," some student dared to provoke the insanity, but it was too late

because Dumbeldore had already wandered off into the kiddie playground outside

Dillard's, mentally scaring all the children that happened to be there.

Hermione turned to the fellow members of the Golden Trio looking rather chibi-ish

and smiling creepily. "Let's go look at Barbies!"

"Well, actually I wanted to..." Ron tried to escape but both he and Harry would

grabbed tightly by the ears and dragged off to their doom... I mean Doll Department.

"Ew, ah, weeee!" Hermione repeated multiple times while they were walking

through the doll aisle, making Harry and Ron want to shove one of the barbies down her

throat.

"Oh, I wonder what that one does. She has a voice box!" Hermione squeaked

hugging the plastic box and crushing the doll to the point where its head was going to pop

off.

"Oh, dear Merlin help us," Harry commented while Hermione shoved the doll down

her pants and prepared to shoplift.

After retrieving Dumbeldore from the roof of Dillard's trying on women's lingerie, the

students demanded to be poofed back to their dormitories. Back in Gyriffindor Tower, the

Trio inspected their newest purchase-sort of. It was the Bible Hugger Barbie, equipt with

own miniature Bible and tons of Christian catch-phrases.

"Make it talk! Make it talk!" Harry exclaimed inexplicitly hopping around the room

like a frog.

"Shh! The Almighty speaks!" Hermione said solemnly pulling the string in the back

of the doll.

"GOD is good," Bible Hugger Doll said.

"Well, I guess that makes sense that makes sense," Hermione said, suddenly

sounding slightly normal, she pulled the string again.

"Christians will go to Heaven," said the Bible Hugger Doll.

"OK," Hermione pulled the string again.

"Gays are bad," Bible Hugger Doll said.

"HEY!" objected Harry and Ron at once.

"And magic is evil!" the Doll exclaimed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The four magical teens screamed and ran down the stairs, tripping over several ducks on

their way.

"Professor Dumbeldore! Professor Dumbeldore!" The Trio burst into his office, only

missing the door by a little bit this time.

"What is it you talking cans of Campbell's soup? CHICKEN NOODLE!" the rather

insane headmaster asked.

"The Doll told us magic was evil!" Hermione shrieked, breaking a window or two.

"Now children, don't be silly, you can't listen to everything a stupid Doll says,"

Dumbeldore said just before screaming at a Magic 8 ball and throwing it against the

nearest wall, where it bounced back and hit him square in the mouth, fortunately he had

recently had surgery and couldn't feel a thing.

"Besides magic isn't evil," he said as he opened the random wooden closet to

reveal several identical Halloween costumes. Each red with tails with points at the end,

horn-like ears, and equipt with a flaming pitchfork. He did the Sims® spiny thing making

the outfit magically appear on his old, wrinkled, disturbingly hairy body.

"SHAPELESS BLOBS!" Dumbeldore shouted and darted out the door... after

smacking into it and falling, remaining there for several hours as the Golden Trio

suddenly found themselves actually turned into gold and unable to move.

THE END, or is it... BUM BUM BUM


End file.
